Fail or fatigue?

I need to train. Mentally I need to train. Physically however I am absolutely shattered. I have been all week. I really hope it is the weather and the short days because if it isn't then goodness knows what is going on.

I climbed last Saturday, trained Sunday, and trained Tuesday (Monday is college night). Wednesday Luca and I were going to go climbing again but circumstances thwarted us. Probably a good thing because as soon I sat down to eat, Wednesday evening,  I shut down. It was like all the energy had been sucked out of me and I could barely moved. Thursday morning I was so shattered that I got utterly over emotional, which, lets face it ladies, is always a classy look, (it really isn't). Fortunately Thursday evening I had time constraints which made training difficult, so I have been forced to take a rest, but I am not enjoying it. 

I went to pole dancing class last night. I felt pretty strong, but equally we weren't particularly pushing ourselves. Everyone seemed a little off their form, which gives me hope that perhaps I am not just having a massive bout of fail. 

I was outside earlier and lifting some stuff which I really shouldn't struggle with, but I only got two pallets down the garden. The rest will have to wait until I am back on form (or someone else does them *hopeful face*). I am off for a PT session with Gian in a little while. I will let you know how I get on, please keep your fingers crossed. 

Hopefully it will turn out that the problem is the time of year, or maybe I am coming down with something. Which wouldn't be great but its a better option than just losing my game face, because around here you go hard, or you might as well go home. 

This is my everything, but it's ok.

There are days when the thought of going to the gym is the least appealing thing on the planet. I'd rather sit in a bath of acid, because at least I'd be sitting. For me those days hold a lot of fear, what if I am fundamentally lazy, what if by skipping a day I get fat, what if, what if, what if?

As you know I was a big gal, a fat lass (see I STILL can't say it properly), and the idea of going back there terrifies me. The situation is not helped by the fact that I don't see what everyone else sees when they look at me. When I say that, I guess people imagine me looking in the mirror and seeing the fat chick that I used to be, nope. I don't really see anything, not a whole person, mainly just the bits that make me self conscious.

Training helps because it gives me bits of me that I like, it helps me feel strong and capable. Of course, for a long time there was a lack of balance which wasn't helpful. I would have a rather sit on my butt that get up and train, but that made me panic. Panic that if I didn't get off my butt now, I would never get off it again. So I would force myself to go to the gym, not because I was full of will power and determination, more because I was full of fear and gnawing anxiety.

That isn't a particularly healthy place to be, physically or mentally. You end up tired all the time, your body is too fatigued to train properly and you are mentally shattered. Couple that with not eating properly and you end up on a pendulum of one extreme to the other. I was just lucky that the chaos was balanced enough to keep me at the same weight or things could have been so much worse.

Lately though I have noticed a change. I've eased up on myself, (a lot of hard work is behind that, but that is a very long story for another day, or days). The days that I would rather not train, I don't. The days I want to eat cake, I do. Those are pretty big things for me, but they get a lot easier when you realise the worlds is not going to come to an end. I haven't put 19 stone on in a month.

One of the nicest changes for me is the realisation that I want to train. I enjoy going to the gym. I've eased up on the brutal, soul sucking cardio regime. I have found out that every now and then I enjoy a run, but actually I can live without it. I had found out that strength training is my passion. I love weights, I love lifting big, I love challenging my body in strange and unusual ways. I'm also extremely luck that to have a personal trainer who is as daft as I am and a boyfriend who has a passion for training.

More than anything I have discovered that there are days I don't want to train, but there are far more days when I do. I wake up in the morning and the prospect of training is what gets me through the day. There are days that I go into the gym and faff about, but there are so many more days that I am dying to get in and try out my latest idea or work on my newest challenge.

So yes there are days I would rather sit in a bath of acid than go to the gym, but that doesn't frighten me as much any more, because I know tomorrow I'll be dying to get back in lift like a pro.     

Fat and the other thing

I've not always been the size and shape I am today, I used to be a lot bigger. As you might be able to tell I struggle with language to do with my body. I was fat, now I am.....nope can't do it.

The fat word is easier, because I know I was fat. I had a BMI of  29.5 at one point, that's is definitely overweight and almost in the realms of obesity. The reason I have trouble saying the F word is that now I have a health BMI, people don't like me saying I was fat. The standard response from those who have know me since before I lost weight is, "you were never fat". Errrr trust me folks, BMI might not be the most useful measure of body health, but in this case, it was bang on the money. I was too big for my frame, my knees hurt all the time, my lungs struggled and my blood pressure was all over the place.

People who didn't know me when I was big, will show mild interest, but that generally doesn't last long.The reactions I get, make me feel like I am being scolded, like I have said something dirty. No-one likes to hear that you USED to be fat. Everyone has their own body issues and whether fat, or thin hearing that someone else has changed is not welcome news. If I can do it, it means other people can do it, and they would rather not hear that. When I am talking to people who didn't know me when I was big, the inevitable first question is "how did you do it", boy do they lose interest when they hear the answer. I ate less and I moved more, simple as that.

So the problem with the 'fat' word is other people don't like it, it jars with them. It almost feels like a sin to say it if you aren't going to own, it so to speak.

The other word is a whole different kettle of fish. It feels like you have to earn that word, cross a certain threshold that deems you worthy of it. The problem is I have no idea what that threshold is. When I started on this journey I think some part of me expected, at some point, I would get a medal, maybe some flowers and the certificate that says, 'here is a whole other part of the lexicon which is now yours to use'. So far though, no medal, no flowers, no new vocabulary, just the right to say fat being removed.

So what does that make me? Who am I and where do I fit. Big questions, but never-the-less ones that rear their ugly heads on a regular basis. If anyone has any answers, back of a postcard please.

Workout - 13th November 2013

Cycle - 10 mins @ level 11, 5 mins @ level 13.

Lunge onto Bosu, leg raise to side while balanced, lunge off bosu, with (2) 8kg kettle bells. 6 reps each side, 2 sets.
Sit up, into v-sit twist each side into v-sit crunch, with (1) 8kg kettle bell. 10 reps, 2 sets.
2 clean pull ups.
Assisted pull ups, 6 @ 7.5kg assist, 5 @ 12.5kg assist, 4 @ 14.5kg assist, 3 @ 19.5 assist. Negatives single arm, 6 each side.

Treadmill, 2 mins @ 6.5kph, 2 mins @ 7.8kph incline 10, 1 mins @ 6.5kph, 2 mins @ 14kph, 1 min @ 6.5kph, 1 min @ 14 kph.

Roman chair leg raises 3 sets of 5 reps, hanging leg raises 3 sets of 5 reps.
Dragonflies 3 reps.
Handstand 10 with 1 sec hold.
Headstand 3 with 20 sec hold and leg lowering.

Random little workout, mostly messing about. I hadn't eaten well and it was COLD in the gym.

Banana Dog

Why Banana Dog? I have no idea. My brother and I were batting a few ideas around the other day and it was a phrase that stuck in my head. It is what we call our dog when he is over excited because he bends himself like a banana in the effort to both greet you and get his toy for you at the same time.

I guess that is why it stuck and why it felt like it fitted for this blog. I wanted to capture a spirit of fun and enjoyment, as well as one of trying to achieve something difficult, but without taking myself too seriously.

Don't get me wrong I do take training seriously, just not myself. It's a difficult balance sometimes, one that's sent me off down paths that aren't always the right ones. Being a girl who trains hard, especially weight training has a lot of challenges. For one, not many people get it. "It feels good" is apparently not a suitable answer to the question, "but why?"

It does though, it really does. Training hard, lifting weights, challenging yourself. It is a physical and a mental workout. Can I get the 30kg bar back to the floor, if I use it to squat, since the rack is being used? The answer is no, by the way.

So this is my blog about training, eating, working towards goals big and small and the impact on all the area's of my life, be it being able to bench press my 3 year old goddaughter, or the frustrations of not being able to do a pull up, or dragging my arse back to the gym, because I do not give up.