All Work and No Training Makes Me Wobble

It's been a week and a half, maybe two weeks since I last trained. I feel awful. I have been a bit off the boil with training anyway, my game has been somewhat lacking. Couple that with sudden, looming essay deadlines and having to park training firmly on the back seat, all at once the wobble begins to lurk. You can feel it creeping ever closer, like a strangely, ninja webble.

(It's coming)

So I made a promise to myself, last week was essay week. A week of bad food and no training, a week of not giving a damn. I hardly moved, I ate curry and cheese and sweets and more cheese and did I mention cheese. It was wonderful.

Today, however marks the start of a new week, a new game plan and a new set of rules. Today I trained like a boss. Today I fought back at the demons.

It helps of course, that I have come away for a couple of night with my Mum, Aunt and Cousin. We are having a spa break. Which of course for my Mum, Aunt and Cousin means relaxing, good food, a treatment or two and some more relaxing, at a push they might utilise the pool. For me it has been something quite different. Poached eggs on toast for breakfast, training, spa treatment, soup, training, dinner. Now admittedly as you can see I haven;t exactly nailed the nutrition, I may have under done it a little. I promise steak for dinner, which may redress the balance, if not undo the damage. It's not a regular thing, so hopefully the impact won't be too bad and I have at least kept up my hydration.

My training, this morning, on my own was a little haphazard, but it felt good to be moving again and I need to keep in mind, that at least it is better than nothing. This afternoon I joined one of the classes on offer and was fortunate enough to pick one with no other participants, so essentially I had a free PT session. Sweet. I have written that session up and you can see it as today's other post.

So it is time for game face, for go hard or go home, it's time to sweat like I mean it. With Christmas coming it's going to be hard to maintain, but I have a plan, so watch this space.

7th December Workout

Jogging on spot (regular, high knees, butt kicks, sprints)

Kettle bell swings

Squat with straight arm raise

Straight arm raise across body, floor to full reach.

15 side to side jumps over the mat

15 body weight squat jumps

10 side to side jumps over the mat

10 body weight squat jumps

(2 sets)

Start one end of mat

Plank position (straight arms) hold half press

Crab walk in plank position to other end of mat

Plank position (straight arms) hold half press

(repeat for 5)

Plank position (straight arms) cross body knee lift

(repeat for 20)

Plank position (straight arms) hold half press

Crab walk in plank position to other end of mat

Plank position (straight arms) hold half press

(repeat for 5)

Plank position (straight arms) cross body knee lift

(repeat for 20)

Jumping lunges (for 15)

Single leg squats (for 5-8)

(4 sets alternating single leg)

Sitting on the swiss ball with legs lifted – balance

Plank roll outs on Swiss Ball (for 20)

Crunches to the knee

Scissor kicks

Crunches to the knee

Butterfly kicks

Crunches to the knee

Lifted straight leg rotations

Full sit up with weight above the head

Leg raise to hip raise

Full sit up with weight above the head

Leg raise to hip raise with twist each side

Full sit up with weight above head

Plank (forearms) with punches

Plank with alternate limb raises then opposite limb raises (hold for 15 secs on each)

Sometimes just....Life

Training is well and truly out of the window at the moment. My mind is getting the workout instead of my body. I am absolutely shattered, I would much rather be gym tired than essay tired, but needs must and all that.

It is really taking its toll on my mental well being. Not only am I dealing with the "OH MY GOD WHAT IF I FAIL" demons, they are being backed up by a rousing chorus of "THEN YOU'LL BE FAT AND A FAILURE". So that is fun. It is taking a lot of mental will power to remind myself that I can't do everything, and sacrificing training will be worth it. Not least because when I get back I will be ready, able and willing to put my absolute heart and soul into it.

Balance is still not easy though. The mentalness going on between my internal demons is not giving me a lot of breathing space to battle the external manifestations, such as shoving chocolate down my maw faster than Christmas is drawing upon us. Oh and my, what a time of year for temptations eh? I could easily wolf an entire packet of Orange Matchsticks in about 20 seconds given the opportunity.

On the other hand I am trying to remind myself, that with all this crazyness and temptation and feeling drained, the fact that I am maintaining a level of operation in my life, that is good enough, is a pretty impressive achievement. If I can operate at this level, under this much pressure, imagine what else I could achieve if I put my mind to it. That is of course assuming I don't succumb to the fat girl inside of me, all she really wants for Christmas is the opportunity to develop type 2 diabetes.

Fail or fatigue?

I need to train. Mentally I need to train. Physically however I am absolutely shattered. I have been all week. I really hope it is the weather and the short days because if it isn't then goodness knows what is going on.

I climbed last Saturday, trained Sunday, and trained Tuesday (Monday is college night). Wednesday Luca and I were going to go climbing again but circumstances thwarted us. Probably a good thing because as soon I sat down to eat, Wednesday evening,  I shut down. It was like all the energy had been sucked out of me and I could barely moved. Thursday morning I was so shattered that I got utterly over emotional, which, lets face it ladies, is always a classy look, (it really isn't). Fortunately Thursday evening I had time constraints which made training difficult, so I have been forced to take a rest, but I am not enjoying it. 

I went to pole dancing class last night. I felt pretty strong, but equally we weren't particularly pushing ourselves. Everyone seemed a little off their form, which gives me hope that perhaps I am not just having a massive bout of fail. 

I was outside earlier and lifting some stuff which I really shouldn't struggle with, but I only got two pallets down the garden. The rest will have to wait until I am back on form (or someone else does them *hopeful face*). I am off for a PT session with Gian in a little while. I will let you know how I get on, please keep your fingers crossed. 

Hopefully it will turn out that the problem is the time of year, or maybe I am coming down with something. Which wouldn't be great but its a better option than just losing my game face, because around here you go hard, or you might as well go home. 

This is my everything, but it's ok.

There are days when the thought of going to the gym is the least appealing thing on the planet. I'd rather sit in a bath of acid, because at least I'd be sitting. For me those days hold a lot of fear, what if I am fundamentally lazy, what if by skipping a day I get fat, what if, what if, what if?

As you know I was a big gal, a fat lass (see I STILL can't say it properly), and the idea of going back there terrifies me. The situation is not helped by the fact that I don't see what everyone else sees when they look at me. When I say that, I guess people imagine me looking in the mirror and seeing the fat chick that I used to be, nope. I don't really see anything, not a whole person, mainly just the bits that make me self conscious.

Training helps because it gives me bits of me that I like, it helps me feel strong and capable. Of course, for a long time there was a lack of balance which wasn't helpful. I would have a rather sit on my butt that get up and train, but that made me panic. Panic that if I didn't get off my butt now, I would never get off it again. So I would force myself to go to the gym, not because I was full of will power and determination, more because I was full of fear and gnawing anxiety.

That isn't a particularly healthy place to be, physically or mentally. You end up tired all the time, your body is too fatigued to train properly and you are mentally shattered. Couple that with not eating properly and you end up on a pendulum of one extreme to the other. I was just lucky that the chaos was balanced enough to keep me at the same weight or things could have been so much worse.

Lately though I have noticed a change. I've eased up on myself, (a lot of hard work is behind that, but that is a very long story for another day, or days). The days that I would rather not train, I don't. The days I want to eat cake, I do. Those are pretty big things for me, but they get a lot easier when you realise the worlds is not going to come to an end. I haven't put 19 stone on in a month.

One of the nicest changes for me is the realisation that I want to train. I enjoy going to the gym. I've eased up on the brutal, soul sucking cardio regime. I have found out that every now and then I enjoy a run, but actually I can live without it. I had found out that strength training is my passion. I love weights, I love lifting big, I love challenging my body in strange and unusual ways. I'm also extremely luck that to have a personal trainer who is as daft as I am and a boyfriend who has a passion for training.

More than anything I have discovered that there are days I don't want to train, but there are far more days when I do. I wake up in the morning and the prospect of training is what gets me through the day. There are days that I go into the gym and faff about, but there are so many more days that I am dying to get in and try out my latest idea or work on my newest challenge.

So yes there are days I would rather sit in a bath of acid than go to the gym, but that doesn't frighten me as much any more, because I know tomorrow I'll be dying to get back in lift like a pro.     

Fat and the other thing

I've not always been the size and shape I am today, I used to be a lot bigger. As you might be able to tell I struggle with language to do with my body. I was fat, now I am.....nope can't do it.

The fat word is easier, because I know I was fat. I had a BMI of  29.5 at one point, that's is definitely overweight and almost in the realms of obesity. The reason I have trouble saying the F word is that now I have a health BMI, people don't like me saying I was fat. The standard response from those who have know me since before I lost weight is, "you were never fat". Errrr trust me folks, BMI might not be the most useful measure of body health, but in this case, it was bang on the money. I was too big for my frame, my knees hurt all the time, my lungs struggled and my blood pressure was all over the place.

People who didn't know me when I was big, will show mild interest, but that generally doesn't last long.The reactions I get, make me feel like I am being scolded, like I have said something dirty. No-one likes to hear that you USED to be fat. Everyone has their own body issues and whether fat, or thin hearing that someone else has changed is not welcome news. If I can do it, it means other people can do it, and they would rather not hear that. When I am talking to people who didn't know me when I was big, the inevitable first question is "how did you do it", boy do they lose interest when they hear the answer. I ate less and I moved more, simple as that.

So the problem with the 'fat' word is other people don't like it, it jars with them. It almost feels like a sin to say it if you aren't going to own, it so to speak.

The other word is a whole different kettle of fish. It feels like you have to earn that word, cross a certain threshold that deems you worthy of it. The problem is I have no idea what that threshold is. When I started on this journey I think some part of me expected, at some point, I would get a medal, maybe some flowers and the certificate that says, 'here is a whole other part of the lexicon which is now yours to use'. So far though, no medal, no flowers, no new vocabulary, just the right to say fat being removed.

So what does that make me? Who am I and where do I fit. Big questions, but never-the-less ones that rear their ugly heads on a regular basis. If anyone has any answers, back of a postcard please.

Workout - 13th November 2013

Cycle - 10 mins @ level 11, 5 mins @ level 13.

Lunge onto Bosu, leg raise to side while balanced, lunge off bosu, with (2) 8kg kettle bells. 6 reps each side, 2 sets.
Sit up, into v-sit twist each side into v-sit crunch, with (1) 8kg kettle bell. 10 reps, 2 sets.
2 clean pull ups.
Assisted pull ups, 6 @ 7.5kg assist, 5 @ 12.5kg assist, 4 @ 14.5kg assist, 3 @ 19.5 assist. Negatives single arm, 6 each side.

Treadmill, 2 mins @ 6.5kph, 2 mins @ 7.8kph incline 10, 1 mins @ 6.5kph, 2 mins @ 14kph, 1 min @ 6.5kph, 1 min @ 14 kph.

Roman chair leg raises 3 sets of 5 reps, hanging leg raises 3 sets of 5 reps.
Dragonflies 3 reps.
Handstand 10 with 1 sec hold.
Headstand 3 with 20 sec hold and leg lowering.

Random little workout, mostly messing about. I hadn't eaten well and it was COLD in the gym.